A different approach to giving and receiving

We’re used to thinking about giving and receiving as meaning giving = doing, and receiving = done-to. Think about how we talk about giving and receiving a massage, for example.

But we can often misconstrue something we do to another person as something we do for them.

Yet I’m sure you’ve experienced at least one massage where you just went along with what the masseur was doing, even though it wasn’t really what you wanted.

So who was that experience actually for?

The two different dynamics of giving and receiving

The creator of the Wheel Of Consent, Dr. Betty Martin, expands the idea of giving and receiving beyond the binary described above.

She suggests that in any exchange there is a giver and a receiver. And there is also someone doing and someone being done to.

But (and here’s the bit you may not be used to) the giver and doer are not always the same person.

For example: when I massage your stiff shoulders, I am giving you a gift by doing something you want, and you are being done-to. In this case I’m doing, and it’s for you.

Alternatively, when I feel the softness of your hair by running my fingers through it, I am doing and you are being done-to. But in this case you are giving me a gift of access to your body. I’m doing, and it’s for me.

Those are two different dynamics.

What happens when there’s no consent?

In the examples above, getting clear in advance about what is or isn’t going to happen would ensure the experience was consensual for both of us, and therefore enjoyable.

But if there’s no agreement, or any of the actions is assumed, unconscious or even forced, the impact could be negative.

Here’s another example of the same dynamics, but this time without consent:

If you insist that I drive you around in your car (I’m doing, it’s for you), and I do it without really wanting to, you may be suffering from a sense of entitlement, and I may end up feeling like a martyr.

If I take your car without you allowing me to (I’m doing, it’s for me), I become a thief and you become a victim.

Pleasure and consent in bed

When it comes to touch, things can get muddy fast. Especially in the bedroom.

Think of how many times you’ve touched your partner in a way that actually you would like to be touched yourself, as a way of communicating your desires.

But what if that’s not actually what your partner enjoys – and they end up putting up with touch they don’t really want, simply to please you!

So, as Dr. Martin says, the best way to create more conscious consent (and ultimately enjoyment) in an interaction, is to focus less on who’s doing what, and focus more on who it’s for.

That’s quite different to how we’re used to thinking about giving and receiving.

If you want to improve your experiences of giving and receiving, working with a tool like the Wheel Of Consent enables you to fundamentally reposition how you approach touch and interactions (both erotic and non-erotic), and can have a profound and life-changing impact on the clarity of your relationships, both with yourself and others.

If you’re curious to learn more about it, and how it can improve your intimate or erotic interactions, check out: www.mindfulgaysex.coach