Sex sells. And there’s a lot of emphasis put on the ‘language of love’ – from romantic Hollywood movies, to the business of Valentines, which is worth nearly $22 billion a year!

But it really helps to know whether you and your partner are both speaking the same language in the bedroom.

You’ve undoubtedly had that awkward experience during sex when it feels like you’re both on completely different pages:

You want to make love tenderly, while he seems more interested in that sexy cop outfit you bought as a joke. He wants to gaze into your eyes, while you just want a bit of light spanking.

What script are you using?

There are a number of different ‘love language’ guides out there, but one which can be particularly useful when it comes to the bedroom is psychologist Donald Mosher’s 3 basic scripts of sexual experience.

He describes these as Role Play, Trance State and Partner Engagement. And it’s likely that when you and your partner have felt mismatched in bed it’s because you’ve both unwittingly been trying to enact a different script.

So let’s look at these scripts in a little more detail:

Role Play: This is about enacting a fantasy with a collaborator. But it’s not necessarily about pretending you’re a sexy cop! A role could be as straightforward as being dominant or submissive. It’s more about feeling comfortable and authentic when being something different from your everyday life. This is where sexuality and psychology can complement each other; for many role play can be very healing - a way to change difficult experiences from the past.

Trance State: This is more about your own sensory experience during sex. The focus here tends to be on the pleasure that’s happening in your own body. In fact too much interaction from your partner can feel like an intrusion! You probably won’t want too many distractions or too much talking; and slower, repetitive, more sensual touch helps keep the focus inwards. This often results in a trance-like state, sometimes even an ‘out of body’ feeling.

Partner Engagement: This is much more interactive and is about creating an engaged, loving bond between two people. Emotional meaning plays an integral part, and you’ll probably want to do the kind of things people usually associate with intimacy: eye-gazing, pillow-talk, sensual love-making. These will help you experience a feeling of synergy together, and a powerful sense of union.

Which language do you speak best?

You’ll probably recognise all of these styles from different experiences you’ve had in the bedroom. And that’s because most of us engage with each of them at different times – and often move fluidly from one to another, even within the same sexual encounter.

You might find you’re drawn more towards one style than another, but that doesn’t mean it’s necessarily ‘better’ than the others. In fact for a healthy sex life you need to be able to access all of them.

What’s important is to be aware of how they each feel, and how you move between them, so you can bring more consciousness to your interactions with your partner – and maximise your connection to the guy you’re in bed with!

Here are a few tips to help you:

1.     Take an honest look at the sex you have, with these three styles in mind. Do you gravitate towards the same one all the time? Do you avoid any of them? Do shame or fear hold you back from exploring any?

2.     Look at expanding and deepening what you’re already doing. You might experiment with the one you’re least familiar with. Or try a different version of your go-to style. Put some practical steps in place for this: could you hold eye-contact with your partner a little longer than you normally would? Or set-up an elaborate role-play evening with them; or maybe try becoming an expert at your partner’s preferred style instead of dismissing it!

3.     Paying attention to your partner is important. Take an interest in what gets them off. Ask them what they’d like to explore. Be open and curious, and willing to learn a new language!